


ghost

by starfaes



Series: ow character study [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Dissociation, No pairings - Freeform, i needed to get this off my chest and stuff, it's very personal, more based on my own experiences than anything else, more of a vent piece, tracer-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 18:04:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7517977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfaes/pseuds/starfaes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>and she feels like she doesn't exist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ghost

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to a very close friend of mine, my angela, for always helping me when i need it, even when it's not enough sometimes.

it's happening again.

one moment, she's laughing and joking with her friends, and then she's staring into space, feeling herself shut down as she begins to become disconnected from reality. she ignores their concerned gazes and questions, feeling herself _falling, falling, falling-_

"....ena? lena are you alright?"

_falling, falling, falling-_

"lena," angela says. she blinks a few times, and slowly directs her gaze to the hand on her shoulder. an anchor. she's very observant; she knows it happened again, can happen again, knows what it takes to bring her back to the present. "lena," angela repeats again, giving her shoulder a light squeeze. she responds with a slight tilt of her head, barely registering the arms wrapped around her as she feels herself come back, holding angela close. "you are _here_."

she still doesn't know where she is but she's _here_ and she's not alone and that's all that matters.

\---

when she's at home, alone, she takes off her harness, and stares at the blue glow of the chronal accelerator's core between her breasts. she moves her gaze up to the ceiling as she lays in bed, and stares. stares and stares and stares until her vision blurs and tears form and her eyes burn but she doesn't feel the pain.

she's... at home? but it doesn't feel like she's home, it doesn't look like she's home, she can't see, feel, hear anything, where-

_falling, falling, falling-_

even when she moves her arms to wrap them around herself and she doesn't feel like she's in control, even when her phone rings with text alerts and phone calls, she doesn't move, and even with her bed beneath her, she feels as if she's floating aimlessly in a calm sea of darkness. her mind is blank and is also being invaded by a whirlwind of different thoughts, none of which she really registers.

she almost feels like she can see herself laying on the bed, as if she is an outsider, observing herself become detached. and it scares her because the last time she'd seen herself was-

_yesterday? today? tomorrow?_

she feels nothing and feels everything, she feels lost and confused and alone and feels nothing at all and _where am i? where am i? where-_

a body without a soul.

_falling, falling, falling-_

_into the void again_

her eyes burn and hurt and don't hurt at all but she continues to stare, into the dark...room? she doesn't see the usual illumination of the chronal core, only black and it's too dark and there is no light, no light-

she doesn't hear the familiar hum of the accelerator and the silence is too loud and she's angry and upset because she shouldn't need the thing in the first place. grips it tightly and _pulls_. she wants it out and gone and doesn't ever want to see it again.

_no anchor, no anchor, no anchor-_

and the darkness is somehow calming yet terrifying and she's scared because _where am i?_

_yesterday? today? tomorrow?_

and she feels like she doesn't exist.

_where, where, where...?_

\---

when she finally, _finally_ comes back she looks at her chest, at the angry red marks around the chronal core, realizing that she had been trying to rip it out and carefully places a shaky hand on it. she feels herself begin to cry and wishes _that she was fine and that she didn't need it and that she was normal._


End file.
